I'm sitting in a bar with some friends one Friday night. We're drinking beer and listening to our friend's latest travel tales. The Reveler interrupts. He scratches his bottom and asks in a tone that signals of a silly joke, "What do you call the first Japanese who did what I'm doing?" We hazard some guesses, but no success. He puts us out of our misery, "Itchy bun."
At work one time, The Reveler pauses to ask, "Did you know that The Police made a song about a local family?" I give him the what-are-ef-are you-talking-about look. He responds, "Well, didn't they sing A-yu-yu-yu, A-ya-ya-ya...?"
One Sunday afternoon, we're enumerating the types of phobias we know. The Reveler says, "What about the fear of soap?" We're sure there's a term for it, but we don't know what exactly. So he tells us, "Heno de phobia."
Over wine and nuts another Sunday afternoon, the discussion is about local politics and immigration. The Reveler decides it's time for what is now known among us friends as an itchy bun joke. He asks, "What would you call it if wild animals took control over the CNMI?" Everyone is clueless. He gives it up, "Feralization."
The Reveler is the punniest person I know. Not a day goes by that he doesn't come up with a pun out of whatever topic that springs up in the conversation. That's why I was amazed when I found out recently, from the book Cork Boat, that there's actually a contest for puns. Author John Pollack, a former speechwriter for President Clinton and builder of the world's first cork boat, is the 1995 champion of the O'Henry Pun-off World Championships. The competition is held every May in Austin, Texas.
Here are some puns from the contest website:
Ascent...An aroma.
Brisket...To speed something up.
Castrate...To evaluate all the actors in a movie or play.
Dollop...To dress up attractively.
Exposed...A retired model.
Forthcoming...Three visits weren't enough.
Germination...The birthplace of Beethoven.
Hi-fidelity...A devoted couple.
Hotel...A place where you trade dollars for quarters.
Institute...A spontaneous session of wind and brass instruments.
Logarithm...Tapping out the beat of a tune on a tree trunk.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN:
The Yoko club? Oh no.
The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
The quarterback club? I'll pass.
The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? Si.
The pregnancy club? That's conceivable.
The self-esteem builders club? They probably won't accept me.
The agoraphobics society? Only if they meet at my house.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Apr 24, 2007
Apr 23, 2007
Only in Saipan
This one`s for the books. In today`s Variety, a 19-year-old man who burglarized a warehouse in Gualo Rai tried to sell a stolen pressure washer to an employee of the same warehouse he burglarized. He was arrested and charged by the Attorney General`s Office. The warehouse employee easily recognized the pressure washer for he had used it for more than eight years.
It`s a small world after all. But his stupidity and the warehouse employee`s alertness helped the AGO solve the crime.
It`s a small world after all. But his stupidity and the warehouse employee`s alertness helped the AGO solve the crime.
Apr 15, 2007
Best positions in bed
I`m sorry to disappoint you but I meant the best and most common sleeping positions, and what your sleeping position tells about yourself. It`s not so much about sleeping with the lights on or off, or with music on or off, but whether you sleep on your back, your belly, your side, or in a fetal position for a good night`s sleep.
Sleep experts have found a link between a person`s sleeping position and his personality traits. Preferred sleeping positions, according to sleep experts, are seen as a sort of "subconscious body language that reflects our inner traits."
The fetal position -- It`s when you curl up on your side, holding a pillow. This is the most popular sleeping position. According to sleep experts, the personality of these sleepers tends to be shy and sensitive, though they may present a tough exterior to the world.
MayoClinic.com, meanwhile, says that if you have a problem with your spine, it`s best to sleep on your side with your legs drawn up slightly toward your chest and a pillow between your legs.
The soldier position -- It`s when you sleep flat on your back with arms at your sides. According to experts, those who sleep in this position have a quiet and reserved personality who sets high standards.
If you have low back pain, according to Mayo Clinic, it`s best to lie on your back, and place a pillow under your knees to help maintain the normal curve of your lower back.
The starfish position -- It`s when you`re lying on your back with arms and legs outstretched. If sleep experts are to believed, this indicates a good listener who makes friends easily, but prefers not to be the center of attention.
But both the starfish and soldier sleeping positions are more likely to lead to snoring and an overall bad nights' sleep.
The freefall position -- Flat on your stomach with arms at the head or ears. Indicates a brash and gregarious exterior who may inwardly be nervous and sensitive to criticism. But, the freefall position aids digestion, experts say.
Sleeping on your abdomen can also be hard on your back, says Mayo Clinic. If you can't sleep any other way, reduce the strain on your back by placing a pillow under your pelvis and lower abdomen. This position may be helpful if you have degenerative disease or a herniated disk in the central portion of your spine.
The log position -- It`s when you are on your side with legs outstretched and arms at your sides. Indicates a social, easygoing personality, say sleep experts.
The yearner position -- It`s similar to the log position, but with arms outstretched. Said to indicate a suspicious and cynical personality.
Your preferred sleeping position may be as difficult to change as your personality itself so there`s no need to rush to change to a healthier position. But if you have a persistent back pain and your sleeping position won`t help, you may need to visit a clinic, a chiropractor or a certified massage parlor .
A warning though. On Saipan, be careful with establishments that pose as massage parlors for they may only be front for sleazy businesses. Just to be on the safe side, try massage parlors in hotels, or their spas.
And if you can`t fall asleep after 30 minutes, get out of bed, experts say, and find something to do to help you relax like reading a book (or writing a blog) until you fall asleep. Don`t lie in bed and “try to fall asleep” for hours because this simply creates a more and more stressful situation, making it less likely for you to fall asleep.
Sleep experts have found a link between a person`s sleeping position and his personality traits. Preferred sleeping positions, according to sleep experts, are seen as a sort of "subconscious body language that reflects our inner traits."
The fetal position -- It`s when you curl up on your side, holding a pillow. This is the most popular sleeping position. According to sleep experts, the personality of these sleepers tends to be shy and sensitive, though they may present a tough exterior to the world.
MayoClinic.com, meanwhile, says that if you have a problem with your spine, it`s best to sleep on your side with your legs drawn up slightly toward your chest and a pillow between your legs.
The soldier position -- It`s when you sleep flat on your back with arms at your sides. According to experts, those who sleep in this position have a quiet and reserved personality who sets high standards.
If you have low back pain, according to Mayo Clinic, it`s best to lie on your back, and place a pillow under your knees to help maintain the normal curve of your lower back.
The starfish position -- It`s when you`re lying on your back with arms and legs outstretched. If sleep experts are to believed, this indicates a good listener who makes friends easily, but prefers not to be the center of attention.
But both the starfish and soldier sleeping positions are more likely to lead to snoring and an overall bad nights' sleep.
The freefall position -- Flat on your stomach with arms at the head or ears. Indicates a brash and gregarious exterior who may inwardly be nervous and sensitive to criticism. But, the freefall position aids digestion, experts say.
Sleeping on your abdomen can also be hard on your back, says Mayo Clinic. If you can't sleep any other way, reduce the strain on your back by placing a pillow under your pelvis and lower abdomen. This position may be helpful if you have degenerative disease or a herniated disk in the central portion of your spine.
The log position -- It`s when you are on your side with legs outstretched and arms at your sides. Indicates a social, easygoing personality, say sleep experts.
The yearner position -- It`s similar to the log position, but with arms outstretched. Said to indicate a suspicious and cynical personality.
Your preferred sleeping position may be as difficult to change as your personality itself so there`s no need to rush to change to a healthier position. But if you have a persistent back pain and your sleeping position won`t help, you may need to visit a clinic, a chiropractor or a certified massage parlor .
A warning though. On Saipan, be careful with establishments that pose as massage parlors for they may only be front for sleazy businesses. Just to be on the safe side, try massage parlors in hotels, or their spas.
And if you can`t fall asleep after 30 minutes, get out of bed, experts say, and find something to do to help you relax like reading a book (or writing a blog) until you fall asleep. Don`t lie in bed and “try to fall asleep” for hours because this simply creates a more and more stressful situation, making it less likely for you to fall asleep.
Apr 13, 2007
Scarier than Friday the 13th
If you’re not superstitious, then it should not bother you that it’s Friday the 13th today.
Think of it as nothing scarier than not getting your paycheck given the sorry state of the economy. (How come big businesses close, but not the small massage parlors, karaoke bars and porn shops?)
They tell you to be extra careful today because of, well, the date. But you should be more careful if you park your car somewhere prone to burglars.
Friday the 13th is not fraught with peril. The bloated CNMI government is. It could cut your salary by 10 percent (which it already did, and plans to cut some more), while continuing to hire consultants, special assistants, etc. Now that’s scary.
It takes a year to save hundreds of thousands of taxpayers money by cutting ordinary employees’ wages, and just a few signatures to hire consultants worth more than double the savings from ‘austerity Fridays’.
In fact, you were more scared when you received the first power bill since CUC increased its rates by over 100 percent. But the bad services haven`t changed.
If you lose in the lottery today, it’s not bad luck.
Sure you can make jokes about Friday the 13th but not when you’re about to fill your car fuel tank. Another 8 cents a gallon increase today.
Don’t let Friday the 13th stop you from leaving the house. You have work today.
Think of it as nothing scarier than not getting your paycheck given the sorry state of the economy. (How come big businesses close, but not the small massage parlors, karaoke bars and porn shops?)
They tell you to be extra careful today because of, well, the date. But you should be more careful if you park your car somewhere prone to burglars.
Friday the 13th is not fraught with peril. The bloated CNMI government is. It could cut your salary by 10 percent (which it already did, and plans to cut some more), while continuing to hire consultants, special assistants, etc. Now that’s scary.
It takes a year to save hundreds of thousands of taxpayers money by cutting ordinary employees’ wages, and just a few signatures to hire consultants worth more than double the savings from ‘austerity Fridays’.
In fact, you were more scared when you received the first power bill since CUC increased its rates by over 100 percent. But the bad services haven`t changed.
If you lose in the lottery today, it’s not bad luck.
Sure you can make jokes about Friday the 13th but not when you’re about to fill your car fuel tank. Another 8 cents a gallon increase today.
Don’t let Friday the 13th stop you from leaving the house. You have work today.
Apr 11, 2007
Text and the City
"Hi! Gud pm! How R U?"
It`s probably okay if this is from an e-mail, an IM or a `text` message, but it`s not. It`s how some young people greet each other nowadays.
Talk about the (not-so-scientific) link between the "texting" or SMS culture and an eroding sentence construction, especially in areas vying to become the world`s second texting capital. We know who`s number 1.
Texting or the SMS culture may be another challenge for adults teaching their kids how to properly construct and write an English sentence. (I can only imagine what a teacher may be thinking after receiving "10Q" from a student, to mean "thank you" or "4gv" to mean "forgive" or "sorry.")
It`s also probably a challenge for those who don`t belong in the `text generation`.
But when you think of it, those who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s may take advantage of the `text` culture.
Here are samples of what they could use:
14drd -- one for the road or a drink before you go
2bctnd -- to be continued or we'll talk about it later
2d4 -- to die for, or to like, or to love something very much
2day -- today
2g4u -- too good for you
2Ht2Hndl -- too hot to handle
2l8 -- too late
2nite -- tonight
3sum -- threesome
4yeo -- for your eyes only
8 -- ate, past tense of the verb 'to eat'
911 -- emergency, call me
These are just those with numbers. We haven`t talked about "C U" and the like...
I would love to, but I GTG...
It`s probably okay if this is from an e-mail, an IM or a `text` message, but it`s not. It`s how some young people greet each other nowadays.
Talk about the (not-so-scientific) link between the "texting" or SMS culture and an eroding sentence construction, especially in areas vying to become the world`s second texting capital. We know who`s number 1.
Texting or the SMS culture may be another challenge for adults teaching their kids how to properly construct and write an English sentence. (I can only imagine what a teacher may be thinking after receiving "10Q" from a student, to mean "thank you" or "4gv" to mean "forgive" or "sorry.")
It`s also probably a challenge for those who don`t belong in the `text generation`.
But when you think of it, those who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s may take advantage of the `text` culture.
Here are samples of what they could use:
14drd -- one for the road or a drink before you go
2bctnd -- to be continued or we'll talk about it later
2d4 -- to die for, or to like, or to love something very much
2day -- today
2g4u -- too good for you
2Ht2Hndl -- too hot to handle
2l8 -- too late
2nite -- tonight
3sum -- threesome
4yeo -- for your eyes only
8 -- ate, past tense of the verb 'to eat'
911 -- emergency, call me
These are just those with numbers. We haven`t talked about "C U" and the like...
I would love to, but I GTG...
Apr 6, 2007
The Eggs Files
“How do you want your egg?” asks the waitress.
“Over easy,” says The Reveler.
“How about you?”
“Sunny side up,” Geek Goddess says.
“And you?” the waitress asks me.
“Scrambled please.”
It’s always been like that…
That’s why we came up with a theory that maybe, or somehow, how you want your egg done says something about your personality.
But besides trying to be profound here (and before things get a bit sexual which we always end up talking about over brunch)--with eggs and personality--this Eggs Files is in keeping with Easter celebrations because of all the symbols associated with Easter, the egg is the most identifiable.
Did you know that there’s World Egg Day? The second Friday of October.
…and that May is "National Egg Month?” This is the time of the year to celebrate the many benefits of the egg. Among other things, eggs contain the highest quality protein you can buy, and have 13 essential vitamins and minerals. An egg yolk is one of the few foods that contain Vitamin D
A mother hen turns over her egg about 50 times per day so the yolk won't stick to the sides of the shell.
An average hen lays 300 to 325 eggs a year. A hen starts laying eggs at 19 weeks of age.
As a hen grows older she produces larger eggs.
At the time of the French Revolution, the clever French already knew 685 different ways of preparing eggs.
Out of the blue, while preparing food, two friends asked why is there brown and white egg? Was it because of temperature? The kind of chicken? Which one’s healthier?
Finally, the questions are answered: White-shelled eggs are produced by hens with white feathers and ear lobes. Hens with red feathers and red ear lobes produce brown-shelled eggs. There is no difference in nutrition between white and brown eggs.
If an egg is accidentally dropped on the floor, then sprinkle it heavily with salt for easy clean up.
But I won’t end my Eggs Files without asking the age-old question: Which came first? Chicken or egg?
If you believe in the Bible, the chicken came first. You may have a different view if you have a different religion. And in the science of evolution, both chickens and eggs came before man. Since both the birds and the eggs were on earth first, “historians weren't around to record which came first.”
A chicken can't be born without a chicken egg and a chicken egg can't be laid without a chicken. Both chickens and eggs are important!
And lastly, do you need to wash the egg before cooking it?
“Over easy,” says The Reveler.
“How about you?”
“Sunny side up,” Geek Goddess says.
“And you?” the waitress asks me.
“Scrambled please.”
It’s always been like that…
That’s why we came up with a theory that maybe, or somehow, how you want your egg done says something about your personality.
But besides trying to be profound here (and before things get a bit sexual which we always end up talking about over brunch)--with eggs and personality--this Eggs Files is in keeping with Easter celebrations because of all the symbols associated with Easter, the egg is the most identifiable.
Did you know that there’s World Egg Day? The second Friday of October.
…and that May is "National Egg Month?” This is the time of the year to celebrate the many benefits of the egg. Among other things, eggs contain the highest quality protein you can buy, and have 13 essential vitamins and minerals. An egg yolk is one of the few foods that contain Vitamin D
A mother hen turns over her egg about 50 times per day so the yolk won't stick to the sides of the shell.
An average hen lays 300 to 325 eggs a year. A hen starts laying eggs at 19 weeks of age.
As a hen grows older she produces larger eggs.
At the time of the French Revolution, the clever French already knew 685 different ways of preparing eggs.
Out of the blue, while preparing food, two friends asked why is there brown and white egg? Was it because of temperature? The kind of chicken? Which one’s healthier?
Finally, the questions are answered: White-shelled eggs are produced by hens with white feathers and ear lobes. Hens with red feathers and red ear lobes produce brown-shelled eggs. There is no difference in nutrition between white and brown eggs.
If an egg is accidentally dropped on the floor, then sprinkle it heavily with salt for easy clean up.
But I won’t end my Eggs Files without asking the age-old question: Which came first? Chicken or egg?
If you believe in the Bible, the chicken came first. You may have a different view if you have a different religion. And in the science of evolution, both chickens and eggs came before man. Since both the birds and the eggs were on earth first, “historians weren't around to record which came first.”
A chicken can't be born without a chicken egg and a chicken egg can't be laid without a chicken. Both chickens and eggs are important!
And lastly, do you need to wash the egg before cooking it?
Apr 1, 2007
Media acquisitions
Saipan Tribune owner Tan family will acquire Marianas Variety and Pacific Times for an undisclosed amount. Marianas Variety and Pacific Times have been having financial difficulty to a point where employees` salaries have been reduced by 10 percent since 2006 and have always been delayed in payment of workers` wages. Tan Holdings, meanwhile, after the closure of its controversial garment factory and a halt in equally controversial poker operations, has focused its resources on hotels and newspapers, among other things, thus the planned acquisition of Marianas Variety, which turned 35 years old on March 16, and newcomer Pacific Times. MCV, meanwhile is up for sale.
Gotcha there ha? This is only a joke. The acquisitions and closure are not true. It`s April 1 after all. Happy April Fool`s Day!
Gotcha there ha? This is only a joke. The acquisitions and closure are not true. It`s April 1 after all. Happy April Fool`s Day!
Mar 27, 2007
Bitz n' Pizez
Heresays around the island:
Hearsay #1: The recovered body of the fourth Korean student that died last weekend at Forbidden Island is"hearsaid" to be bitten by sharks. Teachers at NMC even said the police or rescuers recovered just the head.
Hearsay #2: Two garment factories are up for closing down this month.
Hearsay #3: PIO of the governor sent press releases to the local media about the governor's daughter's achievements in school on mainland. Aren't government employees supposed to perform official government business only? Just asking....
Hearsay #4: Xterra winners booted out of race for Tagaman to give chance to others, for pete's sake....
Heresay #5: The CNMI soccer team lost to Guam because...
Oh well, more to come...
The Reveler
Hearsay #1: The recovered body of the fourth Korean student that died last weekend at Forbidden Island is"hearsaid" to be bitten by sharks. Teachers at NMC even said the police or rescuers recovered just the head.
Hearsay #2: Two garment factories are up for closing down this month.
Hearsay #3: PIO of the governor sent press releases to the local media about the governor's daughter's achievements in school on mainland. Aren't government employees supposed to perform official government business only? Just asking....
Hearsay #4: Xterra winners booted out of race for Tagaman to give chance to others, for pete's sake....
Heresay #5: The CNMI soccer team lost to Guam because...
Oh well, more to come...
The Reveler
Mar 1, 2007
Presenting Saipan's very own band!!!
The Middle Roaders had a great lunch at Wild Bill's and we discussed the various comments that our readers post in this site. Suddenly it dawned to The Reveler about this idea of a band that could also represent the islands. So immediately our photographer and artist, Tacder, scribbled and sketched some ideas and voila!
We hope you like The Betels!
Favorite cuts in their albums: Let It Be-tel, Betel to Ride, Chew Together, and many more!!!
The Reveler
Art: Tacder
Feb 28, 2007
Advertising and marketing, Saipan style!
"EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK." That's the sign posted on the wall of a restaurant, reminding customers that fish dishes are served with bones.
Years ago, I heard this radio ad: "H-MART, WHERE PARKING IS NOT A PROBLEM." (okay, okay, don't mind about the items sold in this grocery store. yup, due to limited parking space in some retail establishments, i think making a pitch for parking IS a good idea)
"TOM TEDDY BEAR ENTERTAINING PLAZA." the name of a commercial establishment in Chalan Kanoa.
"BERWED COFFEE." Written on the menu of a defunct food store in San Jose.
"CREARANCE SALE." Need I say more?
A house for rent ad in the paper: "NICE, QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD." it's near a cemetery.
One of the requirements stated in an ad for a job opening: "MUST BE HIGH GRADUATE."
"MAGANDA UTANG." This is the name of a store in Garapan. In the Filipino language, this means good credit; others would argue that it means "it's good to have a debt."
"NO PARKING HERE." That's a sign on the side of a road in Garapan. But one day, below the same sign, was a parked police patrol car.
"MOST WANTED CK BOYS," graffiti in Chalan Kanoa.
"POST-CHRISTMAS SALE." But then, you see the same sign throughout the year. (Whatever happened to the CNMI government's advertising regulations?)
"PARASIGHT" is in fact the name of a Japanese cafe and bar in Garapan, not something else.
Guangdong Hardware's slogan, "NEVER SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE" sounds more like a slogan for service industries like massage parlors and beauty salons.
An "AOTO SHOP" in Koblerville.
A defunct Garapan business involved in "WEEDING VIDEOS," etc.
"SIZZILING SISIG" says the menu in a Garapan restaurant.
(To be continued...)
Years ago, I heard this radio ad: "H-MART, WHERE PARKING IS NOT A PROBLEM." (okay, okay, don't mind about the items sold in this grocery store. yup, due to limited parking space in some retail establishments, i think making a pitch for parking IS a good idea)
"TOM TEDDY BEAR ENTERTAINING PLAZA." the name of a commercial establishment in Chalan Kanoa.
"BERWED COFFEE." Written on the menu of a defunct food store in San Jose.
"CREARANCE SALE." Need I say more?
A house for rent ad in the paper: "NICE, QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD." it's near a cemetery.
One of the requirements stated in an ad for a job opening: "MUST BE HIGH GRADUATE."
"MAGANDA UTANG." This is the name of a store in Garapan. In the Filipino language, this means good credit; others would argue that it means "it's good to have a debt."
"NO PARKING HERE." That's a sign on the side of a road in Garapan. But one day, below the same sign, was a parked police patrol car.
"MOST WANTED CK BOYS," graffiti in Chalan Kanoa.
"POST-CHRISTMAS SALE." But then, you see the same sign throughout the year. (Whatever happened to the CNMI government's advertising regulations?)
"PARASIGHT" is in fact the name of a Japanese cafe and bar in Garapan, not something else.
Guangdong Hardware's slogan, "NEVER SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE" sounds more like a slogan for service industries like massage parlors and beauty salons.
An "AOTO SHOP" in Koblerville.
A defunct Garapan business involved in "WEEDING VIDEOS," etc.
"SIZZILING SISIG" says the menu in a Garapan restaurant.
(To be continued...)
Going Going Gone Bananas (at the Court)
A four-footer banana tree planted inside the Guma Husticia building in Susupe has been bearing fruits. Captivated by the nature’s miracle, on Feb. 12, 2007, I decided to take this photo.
During my routine court patrol on Feb. 20, 2007, I noticed that the banana fruits had fully grown.
During another day’s routine court patrol on Feb. 26, 2007, I was overjoyed upon observing that two banana fruits were already ripe.
But two days later, Feb. 28, 2007, this is what i saw...
I could not stop laughing because somebody had already harvested the two ripe bananas. While taking another picture, one court employee called me and with a big smile showed me the second missing banana fruit he had just harvested and ready to chow.
Photos and Text: Strike That
During my routine court patrol on Feb. 20, 2007, I noticed that the banana fruits had fully grown.
During another day’s routine court patrol on Feb. 26, 2007, I was overjoyed upon observing that two banana fruits were already ripe.
But two days later, Feb. 28, 2007, this is what i saw...
I could not stop laughing because somebody had already harvested the two ripe bananas. While taking another picture, one court employee called me and with a big smile showed me the second missing banana fruit he had just harvested and ready to chow.
Photos and Text: Strike That
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