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May 25, 2007

A love letter

This happens to me when I try to find a document, a receipt, a note...Sifting through piles of papers -- dust, paper cuts, ants, the smell of old paper, and all -- I'd often come across something that's more worthwhile reading than what I've been looking for in the first place...

Dear ______

I guess it won't be appropriate to start things off with all the
things we are used to saying to each other on email. But i must tell,
i am glad you wrote that letter--it means that you can speak your
heart out, that you know what's wrong, that your vulnerability
can be translated into words.
You are right, your letter was something to think about. And
frankly, i have been thinking about them even without the letter to remind me.
It confuses me, too, how i can go about everyday not being able to
mail or talk to you as often as I should. It's not laziness, come to
think of it, I think i don't have the drive to do it. To tell you the
truth, because we've been talking so much sweet things for the longest
time and not getting real and serious and introspective about
things--i have begun to feel a little bit comfortable that you'll
always be around. I may have become a bit hardened and insensitive
because i don't feel a sense of responsibility oftentimes. Sometimes
we just seem so detached, or rather I am, talking would often mean
going through the motions. you know what i mean?
About the relationship. I, too, am thinking if all this is worth
continuing. I can't seem to handle this right, and my ego is just way
on top of my head. I did not mean to be so insensitive as to not call
you and buy you cards, but it just seems too difficult for me. You
went away and it was alright, i didn't talk to you and it was alright,
now i am not sure what i'd feel if you come back.
I am trying to go back to when we first met and figure out what was
wrong from the start. I don't know about you, but i am beginning to
realize that i might have jumped into a relationship too soon. The
attraction wasn't too strong then, but we talked and suddenly you were
transformed into someone i knew i would like. Then it happened, and it
was good.
We have a few things in common, i realize that, too. Haven't you
noticed we try to like each other's interests, get into it, but somehow
there is a vacant space in our eyes. I saw it in yours, once or twice.
I am sure you saw it in me, too.
But then, how did we go this far? I love you because having you
around tells me i'm taking love a step further. Loving you makes me
think of what it would be like years from now. I've told you this
before: i plan to keep long relationships now. You fit right into the
picture: you believe in me, you know how to live, you have no qualms
about things.
Your family, definitely they're part of it. I never had a family
like that. I've always wanted to know my girlfriend's family.
Thinking about what we have--you know, thinking as in knowing what
is good and what is not--makes this relationship good.
So, why then are you feeling this way? For all these things and
more I suppose.
I am sorry you had to put up with me. You did deserve a call, a
letter, everything; but i couldn't deliver. It would be the right
thing to do, yes, not calling me up on the 25th and not sending
letters anymore. You should think, we should think. We should start
sorting out what we really want.
But you know, saying i love you to you still feels right. And i
feel quite lost today more than any other day because i am finally
confronted with something i am completely helpless. I am not making
you happy with this email, i know, but please think that I have been
quite strong with this relationship even i surprise myself. You
changed, and i am glad you have. You, too, have changed me. I feel
more attuned to myself now--whether that's good or bad i don't know
Maybe after this, when we get to talk, we really should talk, really


When I finished reading this -- just one of the, well, maybe hundreds of his e-mails which I printed and kept (along with handwritten notes and letters) -- beautiful, life-altering memories kept coming back. and they made me smile.

You want to know what happened months later?

Let's see....if I need to find another document again...

And maybe someday I get to write a book about his love letters.

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This site is the Saipan Middle Roaders' blog--the wannabes, the frustrated ones, and the repressed ones...

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